Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."
The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"
The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
