A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Smshava.blogspot.com
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."
The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"
The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
Smshava.blogspot.com
Two seniors are standing in front of the Hotel Duluth when they see a penguin walking by. Pat grabs it and asks Mike, "what should I do with him?"
Mike says, "Why don't you take him out to the zoo?"
The next day in front of the Hotel, Mike sees Pat walking with the penguin on a leash. "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo," says Mike.
"I did," says Pat, "and we had such a good time that tonight I think I'll take him to the hockey game!"
Two seniors are standing in front of the Hotel Duluth when they see a penguin walking by. Pat grabs it and asks Mike, "what should I do with him?"
Mike says, "Why don't you take him out to the zoo?"
The next day in front of the Hotel, Mike sees Pat walking with the penguin on a leash. "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo," says Mike.
"I did," says Pat, "and we had such a good time that tonight I think I'll take him to the hockey game!"
The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."
Smshava.blogspot.com
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Smshava.blogspot.com
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".
Smshava.blogspot.com
Two cows were talking in the field one day.
First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
